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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.