DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What do you hear?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question