Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.