Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
i love meeting boys on tinder
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.