I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”