waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?