“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.