Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
You Might Also Like
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank