some cats are just doing for fun!
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”