I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
You Might Also Like
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’