Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Mornin
This forever.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Nothing.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having