Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When he asks for feet pics
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
me refusing to leave twitter
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.