I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet