No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
But wait…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.