Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
You Might Also Like
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.