Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.