If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I only treason on days ending in y
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Expect the unexporcupine.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there