ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“what that mouth do?” complain
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?