Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
What a website
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.