Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!