dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.