On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“you changed” bro i was 15
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.