Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
this post was so formative to me