will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.