what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?