The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
First pedicure of the season鈥y nail technician took one look and started stretching
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
haven鈥檛 gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it鈥檚 fingers day
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don鈥檛
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I鈥檓 going to let you off with a warning
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Maybe she鈥檚 born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent鈥檚 shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
This forever.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*