ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You Might Also Like
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
🤣🤣
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Terribly Tuesday.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?