Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
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[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.