*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.