School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft