Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?