To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic