Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
You Might Also Like
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”