You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Huge”.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.