Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?