Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You Might Also Like
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
my sentiments exactly
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Ferrari squats
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist