My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.