I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You Might Also Like
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face