Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
You Might Also Like
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it