If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Same pineapple, same
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.