[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.