6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
spicy snake
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.