Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.