Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
yall want some gasoline milk
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.