HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.