If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired