[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Pickled cat.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?