“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding