Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
is this meant to deter me
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.