I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.